Recurrent Miscarriage: 10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before My 5 Miscarriages

My path to build a family was not what I expected. It has included a total of 5 miscarriages, an adoption, and a failed IVF cycle.  And on top of that, I am thrilled to be currently 34 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby boy.  There is so much I wish I could go back and tell myself years ago when I started my journey to build a family! 

My struggles with recurrent miscarriage have taught me so much and here are 10 things I wish I could tell myself as I was just starting out on this journey. 

1)      Allow Time to Grieve

I have often felt like I was running out of time when it comes to fertility, but one lesson I have learned is that skipping over the grieving phase after a miscarriage is simply not an option.  In order to move forward and make decisions, it has been important to allow myself time and space to first grieve. Otherwise, I am not ready to make a decision or might rush into a decision.  

2)      My Husband Grieves Differently

This one took me a few miscarriages in to truly understand. First, I myself grieved differently with each miscarriage, each one was unique and had it’s on set of circumstances, disappointments and struggles.  And then on top of that, my husband and I have completely different ways of expressing and going through grief.  At times, it felt like he wasn’t grieving. I didn’t see in him the tears and overt expression of emotions that I was displaying. It was through couples therapy that I came to understand and even appreciate our different ways of experiencing and expressing grief. 

3)      Pinpointing a Cause is Unlikely (but still worth exploring)

Knowing the exact cause of a miscarriage is not always possible and in most cases knowing the cause with certainty is impossible. This can be hard to accept. Over the years, my mind has tried to rationalize and find certainty, even when it is not possible. Ultimately, I’ve learned to accept that there is an aspect of the unknown in most miscarriages and to be ok with that.  

4)      Request More Testing

While knowing a cause with 100% certainty may be impossible, I found asking why and doing the research and testing worthwhile. Over the years, we uncovered potential factors that may have contributed to my miscarriages. One of these was a blood clotting issue I have, called Antiphospholipid Syndrome (APS). APS has a very specific protocol that I have followed to help ensure a healthy pregnancy.  We also found out my husband has fragmented DNA on his sperm.  Being able to help control for these two factors in future pregnancies is part of what I believe led to a healthy, full term pregnancy.  This is why I recommend advocating for yourself, pushing for more testing when you feel it is warranted and including your husband or partner in that testing.  

5)      Do what feels right for you! 

There is SO much you can do to help with your fertility. For me, I tired a lot of different things and stuck with the pieces that I felt were helpful at the time. A lot of times i found that finding the right person to help me was just as important, if not more, than the modality I selected.  A few things to consider- 

-   acupuncture

-   meditation 

-   diet modifications

-   Mayan abdominal massage

-   therapy and/or couples therapy

-   yoga

-   chiropractic work

My main caution with this piece is to not try and do it all, find the thing (or a few things) that feel right for you.  Go with your gut on this one.  

6)      Find your people  (you are NOT alone!)

I always felt very alone in what I was experiencing, but I’ve now come to learn that there are plenty of women out there with very similar struggles. I found it useful to connect with others either through in person groups as well as online.  I have a group specific for those going through miscarriage, linked here. I would encourage you to go and and find your people, too. A great place to start is Facebook.  Depending on your location, you may find there are also a lot of great local, in-person support groups. 

7)      Furry Friends Help! 

For me, this was my cats! If you do not have pets, I would highly recommend looking into and finding the right fit for you. My cats provide me with so much love and comfort, especially when I am having a tough time. 

8)       Struggle Creates Gratitude

For me, the newborn phase with my son was a breeze. I think there is something to years of struggle to make you appreciate a baby on a whole new level. I have enjoyed motherhood and because of what it took to get here, I feel I appreciate the small things just that much more than I would otherwise. I am also able to deal with the difficult times and let small things slide because gratitude is at the root of my experience.  

9) There is More than One Way Forward

This one is so key and for me is one of the reasons behind me creating Miscarriage Hope Desk. In the moment, I often felt like my options were limited and bleak, but I was able to step back during key parts of my journey and realize that I always had a choice and multiple options.  With this perspective, I was able to select an option that felt right to me and my husband and not feel forced into anything. 

10) The Ending

What I really wish I’d known before I set out on my journey to build my family was the ending. If I knew just how beautiful it would be in the end, i would have known from the beginning it was all worthwhile.