Recurrent Miscarriage: 10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before My 5 Miscarriages

My path to build a family was not what I expected. It has included a total of 5 miscarriages, an adoption, and a failed IVF cycle.  And on top of that, I am thrilled to be currently 34 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby boy.  There is so much I wish I could go back and tell myself years ago when I started my journey to build a family! 

My struggles with recurrent miscarriage have taught me so much and here are 10 things I wish I could tell myself as I was just starting out on this journey. 

1)      Allow Time to Grieve

I have often felt like I was running out of time when it comes to fertility, but one lesson I have learned is that skipping over the grieving phase after a miscarriage is simply not an option.  In order to move forward and make decisions, it has been important to allow myself time and space to first grieve. Otherwise, I am not ready to make a decision or might rush into a decision.  

2)      My Husband Grieves Differently

This one took me a few miscarriages in to truly understand. First, I myself grieved differently with each miscarriage, each one was unique and had it’s on set of circumstances, disappointments and struggles.  And then on top of that, my husband and I have completely different ways of expressing and going through grief.  At times, it felt like he wasn’t grieving. I didn’t see in him the tears and overt expression of emotions that I was displaying. It was through couples therapy that I came to understand and even appreciate our different ways of experiencing and expressing grief. 

3)      Pinpointing a Cause is Unlikely (but still worth exploring)

Knowing the exact cause of a miscarriage is not always possible and in most cases knowing the cause with certainty is impossible. This can be hard to accept. Over the years, my mind has tried to rationalize and find certainty, even when it is not possible. Ultimately, I’ve learned to accept that there is an aspect of the unknown in most miscarriages and to be ok with that.  

4)      Request More Testing

While knowing a cause with 100% certainty may be impossible, I found asking why and doing the research and testing worthwhile. Over the years, we uncovered potential factors that may have contributed to my miscarriages. One of these was a blood clotting issue I have, called Antiphospholipid Syndrome (APS). APS has a very specific protocol that I have followed to help ensure a healthy pregnancy.  We also found out my husband has fragmented DNA on his sperm.  Being able to help control for these two factors in future pregnancies is part of what I believe led to a healthy, full term pregnancy.  This is why I recommend advocating for yourself, pushing for more testing when you feel it is warranted and including your husband or partner in that testing.  

5)      Do what feels right for you! 

There is SO much you can do to help with your fertility. For me, I tired a lot of different things and stuck with the pieces that I felt were helpful at the time. A lot of times i found that finding the right person to help me was just as important, if not more, than the modality I selected.  A few things to consider- 

-   acupuncture

-   meditation 

-   diet modifications

-   Mayan abdominal massage

-   therapy and/or couples therapy

-   yoga

-   chiropractic work

My main caution with this piece is to not try and do it all, find the thing (or a few things) that feel right for you.  Go with your gut on this one.  

6)      Find your people  (you are NOT alone!)

I always felt very alone in what I was experiencing, but I’ve now come to learn that there are plenty of women out there with very similar struggles. I found it useful to connect with others either through in person groups as well as online.  I have a group specific for those going through miscarriage, linked here. I would encourage you to go and and find your people, too. A great place to start is Facebook.  Depending on your location, you may find there are also a lot of great local, in-person support groups. 

7)      Furry Friends Help! 

For me, this was my cats! If you do not have pets, I would highly recommend looking into and finding the right fit for you. My cats provide me with so much love and comfort, especially when I am having a tough time. 

8)       Struggle Creates Gratitude

For me, the newborn phase with my son was a breeze. I think there is something to years of struggle to make you appreciate a baby on a whole new level. I have enjoyed motherhood and because of what it took to get here, I feel I appreciate the small things just that much more than I would otherwise. I am also able to deal with the difficult times and let small things slide because gratitude is at the root of my experience.  

9) There is More than One Way Forward

This one is so key and for me is one of the reasons behind me creating Miscarriage Hope Desk. In the moment, I often felt like my options were limited and bleak, but I was able to step back during key parts of my journey and realize that I always had a choice and multiple options.  With this perspective, I was able to select an option that felt right to me and my husband and not feel forced into anything. 

10) The Ending

What I really wish I’d known before I set out on my journey to build my family was the ending. If I knew just how beautiful it would be in the end, i would have known from the beginning it was all worthwhile. 

Body Awareness: A Vehicle to Reproductive Wellness?

Chinese medicine is rooted in Taoist philosophy.  Taoism literally translates as “The Way”.  “The Way” refers to the way of nature and balance which is symbolized beautifully in the yin and yang.  The idea is that if everything is balanced, optimal life force is able to thrive.  This can be seen in all of nature and is reflected in all living things on earth.

The symbolism of yin and yang shows two opposing forces which turn into one another and are interdependent.  If there was too much sunlight, plants would dry up – too much rain, they would get over saturated - too much darkness, they would be deprived of the sun’s energy.  Nature is designed to reflect this perfect harmony in order to sustain life.  

Our bodies reflect this nature.  They are microcosms of the earth’s ecosystem and have their own elements.  When those elements get out of control, disharmony arises and can lead to disease or imbalance.  This imbalance can show up as hormone disruption, sleep disruption, or menstrual irregularities – to name a few.

Fertility health reflects our overall health.  It is a branch that depends on the trunk of our vitality.  Fertility can be compared to sprouting, and sprouting can’t occur unless the existing plant has sufficient vitality to sustain the sprout.  In order for this to occur, we need to look at what is sustaining the body so that it is optimally primed to support new life.

Not everyone is able to go to an acupuncturist or holistic practitioner, but we are all designed to connect with our body’s needs.  Our bodies are programmed to point out imbalances so that we can attend to our own health.  This design happened way before anyone made a living as a healthcare provider.  While seeing a qualified provider is essential in many cases, I want to point out that we still have power to tune into what our bodies are telling us.   

In order to address the imbalance, we need to first observe.  One of the easiest ways to do that is through body awareness or interoception.  This is our body’s way of signaling us to cool down when it’s hot, to eat when we’re hungry, or to avoid certain foods if they cause a reaction.  

This body awareness can increase with time and may need consistent practice, especially if we’ve conditioned ourselves to ignore its cues for many years. Once we begin to sharpen this innate ability, it will open a window into our wellness.  It will show us which foods give us vitality, and which foods drains us.  It will show us when we’re tired and how to surrender to rest.  It will show us when we are over-exercising or under-exercising.  It will also show us if what our doctor is telling us is in line with our body’s truth – i.e. it may be time to get a second opinion!

3 Steps to connecting with your body’s intelligence:

1. Meditation

1.    Meditation:  Meditation is one of the best ways to train your mind to ‘listen’ and tune into your body.  It is actually how some people theorize that acupuncture meridians were discovered.  Getting quiet helps us tune in to our subtle sensations and get guided by our innate intelligence.  Meditation has a very balancing effect – it creates a state of flow which is an optimal state for the body to ease back into balance.  There are many types of meditations, one of which focuses on body awareness.  Doing so not only reveals what is happening in the body, but it also helps the body to harmonize and reset.

2. Become Mindful

2.    Mindfulness: I know, this is often associated with meditation because there is a type of meditation called “Mindfulness meditation”, but mindfulness refers to a deep present awareness that can be carried through into every activity and non-activity throughout the day – including eating.  Mindfulness helps us tune into how our bodies respond to conversations and can help us connect with our intuition, which is our inner compass.  This intuition has come in handy to many of my patients who have shared that they were guided to get a second opinion when what they heard from their doctor didn’t feel like the right advice to them.  And they were proven right as their journey progressed! 

3. Yoga

3.    Yoga:  Yoga brings an immense state of body awareness by moving consciously.  It is referred to as ‘yoke’ which unites body and spirit.  If spirit is referred to as consciousness, the practice of yoga threads this consciousness into every movement and breath of the body.  I often refer to yoga as an ancient ‘intelligent exercise’.  It not only strengthens the body, but it also awakens its vitality and consciousness. 

Awareness not only helps us tune into what requires balance in our bodies, but it also acts as a lifegiving force.  As Tony Robbins says, “energy flows where attention goes”.  If you think back, you may notice moments when just your mere attention breathed life into things.  Our awareness is more than simply observation, it is charged with life force energy.  Just the simple act of noticing can regulate and rebalance.

The key to remember is that our bodies are designed to revert to balance naturally, and one of the ways it does that is to cue us like it does when we are hungry, hot, cold, or tired – we automatically know what to do!  Once we tune in to these cues (eating right, resting when we need) and the body is able to align like a lock opening up, reproductive health follows suit and is able to thrive.  I have worked with many women both virtually and in my practice.  When I am working virtually and am unable to implement acupuncture, we work on awareness and implementing balance through a variety of protocols.  I have seen amazing transformation in menstrual cycles and fertility health all due to simply tuning in and working with the body’s amazing intelligence!