Ep 381 The TTC Story You’ll Want to Hear on a Hard Day
In this deeply moving episode, I sit down with a former client to share her powerful trying-to-conceive journey — one that began with endometriosis, frustration, and the quiet fear that her body was “failing” her.
For nearly two years, she did everything “right.” She saw specialists, monitored cysts, adjusted her diet, optimized her lifestyle, and pushed herself to stay positive. But behind the structure and to-do lists was a nervous system under pressure and a heart carrying more than it should.
In this conversation, she opens up about the emotional breaking point that changed everything — the moment she shifted from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What do you need from me?” We talk about boundaries, reconnecting with joy, meditation, surrender, and the unexpected spiritual signs that preceded her pregnancy — including vivid dreams, intuitive moments, and a powerful final act of letting go.
This episode is a reminder that fertility is not just physical. It is relational. It is emotional. It is deeply personal. And sometimes, the shift that changes everything isn’t another supplement or protocol — it’s a transformation in how we relate to ourselves.
If you’ve ever felt ashamed, behind, exhausted, or like you’re carrying this alone, this story will meet you exactly where you are.
You are not broken.
And you do not have to walk this journey alone.
Key Takeaways:
Fertility journeys often involve emotional highs and lows, and learning to shift from self-blame to self-compassion can be a powerful turning point.
Nervous system support through practices like meditation, boundaries, and reconnecting with joy can play a meaningful role in supporting fertility.
Lifestyle changes such as nutrition, stress reduction, sunlight, and movement can help create a more supportive environment for conception.
Letting go of control and embracing surrender can open the door to deeper trust in the body and the fertility process.
Many women experience intuitive or spiritual moments on their fertility journey, reminding them they are not alone in the process.
Disclaimer: The information shared on this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Please consult with your healthcare provider before making any changes to your health or fertility care.
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Speaker: [00:00:00] Episode number 381 of the Wholesome Fertility Podcast. Today's episode is one I know so many of you will hold close on the harder days. I'm sitting down with Vanessa, a member of my community who shares her fertility journey with so much honesty, heart, and depth. She opens up about navigating endometriosis, the emotional ups and downs that can make you question your body and yourself.
And the moment her inner language shifted from my body is failing me. To, what do you need from me? That shift changed everything. We also talk about the practical pieces that supported her journey from lifestyle changes and boundaries at work, to reconnecting with joy through tennis, to building a meditation practice that actually worked for her real life.
And then there are the signs, the intuitive moments, the spirit baby connection, the lady bugs. The dream her mom had and the powerful [00:01:00] surrender that became a portal into a whole new season. If you've ever felt alone, ashamed, or like you're doing everything and it's still not working, this conversation will remind you that you are not broken.
You're in process, and you don't have to walk it alone. So stay tuned.
Welcome to the Wholesome Fertility Podcast. I'm Michelle, a fertility acupuncturist here to provide you with resources on how to create a wholesome approach to your fertility journey.
Michelle: Welcome to the podcast, Vanessa. I'm so excited to have you. I am so excited for you to share your incredibly inspiring story and journey. so as we're getting started, I'd love for you to share, as much as you're comfortable [00:02:00] sharing about your journey. 'cause one of the things that I really love about it is the whole, Fact that you really connected with a spirit baby before and you had some pretty amazing things happen. so I found your story to be incredibly inspiring and I know that a lot of people hearing it are gonna feel the same. So welcome.
Vanessa - 2: yes. Thank you for having me. It's so nice to sit down and kind of recap our journey together and like you said, anything that could help someone else going through this, I would love to do that and share. So let's do that.
Michelle: Yes. so one of the things that I found so inspiring about your story was really, not just like we're gonna talk about really everything, but, the fact that you had really very significant signs right before your pregnancy. and then just kind of by the way, one of the women in the group, was actually, I don't know if you know this, but it was very inspired by your story.
and really everything that happened also like your, [00:03:00] way of healing yourself with meditation and some of the things, that you've been doing, really, which first of all was so amazing. because I often suggest this to a lot of people, but not everybody takes it in, embodies it the way you did.
but of course it took you time to get into new habits and everything. So I know it's a long journey, but if you can kind of like, Talk about really your story and how you got to the place that you're at now.
Vanessa - 2: So I was introduced to you, through a very good friend. I think at one point you called her, like we had a Soul sister connection. So, she introduced me to youth after her journey and I immediately made an appointment. I remember it was in October and October of like the previous year.
So think of 20. Four? Possibly.
Michelle: Yeah.
Vanessa - 2: Possibly. And 'cause I had all my notes of our first conversation and I remember, I told you like, this is where I'm at. This is my goal. I'm trying to get pregnant. I had seen, A few [00:04:00] doctors at that point, besides my regular ob, I had gone to do testing for endometriosis since I was diagnosed in my early thirties.
Even though I had symptoms for quite some time, I wasn't the type of patient that it would immediately dictate like, this is endo. But I did have a few complaints and I actually ended up switching doctors and my current doctor immediately knew, Hey, I think you have this. So we did the proper. Testing to diagnose.
And I knew that going into my journey and, when you and I met, I, I told you, you know, this is what we found. I was told, you know, I might have difficulty getting pregnant. At that point. I had actually done acupuncture for other reasons, in including fertility, but for other reasons. Like for stressand I had messed up my neck as well, so I had already had a good relationship with acupuncture, but not for what I was trying to accomplish at this time.
So we met, we talked and I immediately started implementing like the diet changes you had told me about, [00:05:00] things like that.and it took us some time. I know you said you always recommend like meditation and certain things that you always guide us to. It took me a little bit.
I know every time we would talk you'd be like, are you meditating? And I was like, I'm working on it. I think that was the hardest part for me, and it was just the way my mind worked. It was very hard to quiet my thoughts. That was one of the most challenging things, doing everything else that we talked about, like diet change.
I was like, no problem. Very type A I made my list like, okay, we're gonna swap this out, do this. you know, exercise was always a part of my life, so that wasn't an issue. But, all the other things that you told me to do were easy. The meditation was the hardest part. And when I knew when we were gonna have this conversation.
I'll get more into detail as we continue the conversation, but there was something that tied into that, that finally made me understand why you guided me and you kept like reminding me to do it. But, I think, you know, in my journey, and I think when you're listening to this, I know it [00:06:00] resonates with many that, there's ups and downs.
Like, there's moments you feel really motivated. You're like, let's do this. Yeah, and then there's other times where you're sad and you feel unmotivated and that's totally normal. we definitely went through that. husband and myself. You know, he went and made changes as well to his lifestyle.
I know we had talked about like, he worked night shifts. He even switched to day shifts at some point he thought like, what if that's the, you know, contributing factor to why we're not getting pregnant? So there was a lot put in from both of us. Definitely more from my side. but yeah, that kind of summarizes my journey a little bit,
Michelle: of course I remember all the little details, so I'll kind of, bring up. so talk about actually the chocolate cyst.
Vanessa - 2: Yes. So, when I did the diagnostic testing for the endo, I had always complained about this really sharp pain on my left ovary, particularly around ovulation. And, I was told you it's like a little cyst, it'll go away. [00:07:00] But two years went by and it didn't go away, so I kept insisting, I switched doctors. And the moment my current doctor saw it, she said 50 50, I think that's endometriosis. And she sent me to a specialist to test even further. It ended up being a little chocolate cyst and it's funny that was really remarkable occurrence with that little chocolate cysts. So it kept growing over the years, little by little and right when we started having our group calls.
I had gone for my regular testing and they said,
Michelle: you remember the sizes?
Vanessa - 2: I think I always get the measurements wrong, but it was like a 3.1 millimeter, really tiny.
Michelle: afterwards it grew.
Vanessa - 2: it had, at its peak, it was about 3.1. because I remember I was sad at that point. it went from like a two something to a 3.1. I remember feeling really sad because I'm [00:08:00] like, oh, this is what they talked about. You know, and this is what we see on the outside, but we don't know how it's affecting the ovary and the eggs within, which was always the concern that I would have a good egg count, but the quality would be compromised. So at the end, when I got the latest testing, right when we started our calls, I would say this is like early April of last year.
it had dipped down to like a one point something, so I remember sitting in the doctor's office and she said, this is wonderful news. You know, it went down, we can see it here, and this is great. Just continue doing what you're doing. And I was like, this is awesome. I know what I'm doing. you know, I'm doing everything Michelle told me to do.
This is what I'm doing. I really focused on like our protocol. So it was great that. had reduced that much. 'cause it had never done something like that. It had always grown a little bit.
Michelle: So, I'm not gonna mention her name, but Jay, who was on our call, had a very [00:09:00] similar situation as you and she said, just in our recent call, that she was really inspired by her story.
Vanessa - 2: Mm-hmm.
Michelle: And she was like, you know, the fact that you also started meditating. Okay, so I'm gonna get to that.
Which one thing I love about your story is about the realism aspect of it and how you're saying that it took a while for you to get into the meditation that it was the hardest. Because it is, I often work with people on, and I'm always gentle about it. I just constantly ask them, are you meditating?
Every time I speak to them, whether it's like online or in person. I'm always asking that question. I'm very gentle about it. 'cause I'm like, okay, you know, we'll get there. And, because the point is, you're such a great example of that, of somebody who ended up getting into that.
But it took a little while and your story, I feel like is something that a lot of people relate to. It's not something that happens overnight. It's sometimes you need a couple of months to just think about meditating until it [00:10:00] starts to become something that you're curious about and you start to try here and there until it starts to become something that you start to feel the benefits of.
So I thought that was a really. Cool. Part of your story, because I do feel like once you started to do that, you started to get more in tune with downloads your intuition. correct me if I'm wrong, that's how I remember it. so talk about that.
Vanessa - 2: So I always had. let's call it intuition. A little bit of intuition that you and I would always chat about, ever since I was little. But what I ended up, you would always gently bring it up, and I love that about you. It was like a gentle reminder of like, Hey, this would be nice for you to incorporate if you can.
And I think what I had to ask myself was, how does this look for me? Because I was like, where do I start? What does this look like for me? Is it in the morning? Is it in the evening? Is it a few minutes when you're in the shower by yourself? And it's like, no one's bothering you, right? So I had to kind of [00:11:00] accommodate that and define what that looked for like for me in my life.
Once I figured that out, then it was easier. Then it was creating the boundary in the space, like making an appointment with myself where I would not get interrupted because I remember telling you like, I'll sit down and something happens and I always get interrupted. creating that space for myself and then letting, my husband know, you know, if I need you to entertain the dog for a little bit, just so if I'm sitting by the window looking out, getting sunshine to meditate and he comes over, sometimes it's fine, but sometimes, like on the days that I was really sad, I just need a minute.
Things like that were, I created, the space for myself helped. And once I started doing that, I would say it was over a couple months, the last couple months, before I got pregnant, things started to flow better. Things were a bit more clear. There was one last step after the meditation, which one?
We'll get there. I'll tell you. I do clearly remember this. and I felt that [00:12:00] really had an important part in the process, but. The meditation opened the gateway to getting there. There's one last step for me. There's one last step, but the meditation allowed me to get there.
Michelle: Amazing. And I remember another thing that you did, which I thought was really, really powerful was create boundaries. And you started to do that at work and you started to really prioritize your self care and also prioritize how you were feeling. Like really tuning in with yourself when you knew, this is it, this is too much for me.
Whether it's at work or being around people that, were really nice, but just we were too much energy for you at the time. So, talk about that. 'cause all of these things are really like, I feel like are so relatable to so many people on the journey right now.
Vanessa - 2: Yes, we had a really good support system at work. There were a lot of girls going through similar situations that we just don't get used to talking about it. Or sometimes there's shame [00:13:00] around it because, for lack of a better word, you feel like you're failing. So, luckily we had a really good friendships at work that when we sat down to talk about it, it was helpful.
But in terms of Based on what I do, it's very client demanding. And the clients, if you don't set boundaries, they do try to sometimes contact you via your cell phone and like, you know, sometimes it's 8:00 PM and they need something. So it was important for me for this season to create a little bit more of a boundary and be like, this isn't an emergency.
Like I will definitely get to you tomorrow. So that helped me in terms of work. Coming home and cooking. I missed cooking. it was something that I really liked to do. And another important thing that I did, I would say four months before I got pregnant, 'cause that's how I kind of remember it in phases of like I did a little bit more and then a little bit more.
As the months got closer,
Michelle: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa - 2: I really realized, after seeing you, we would see each other pretty often. That, I wasn't doing the things that made me happy.
Michelle: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa - 2: [00:14:00] one time leaving your office and it's drive back to my house, and I was coming over to the causeway and I was like, I'm not doing things that make me happy.
I'm doing everything that needs to be done, but that doesn't mean I'm doing things that make me happy. So it's like, what makes you feel like a kid again? I remember having this conversation with myself, so I reached back out to my tennis coach and I started playing tennis again. So every Saturday morning and my husband would work on weekends, so I would just take off and go play with them.
it was one-on-one sessions, and it was my same coaches, so it took me back to like my twenties, when my husband and I had reconnected and we were just like kind of not even dating yet. And it was that phase in my life and I felt so happy. I remember driving over there. I felt happy. I remember feeling super happy on the way home, things like that.
that I really loved. And I remember someone told me like, you always talk about tennis span. When was the last time you played? And I'm like, you're absolutely right. I have not played in years and that's a [00:15:00] problem. So we're gonna fix it. So I started doing things like that of like, what makes me happy?
'cause I was doing everything in a type A personality way. Like everything on the list, we're checking everything, but what am I doing for myself? I realized that I just internally, I wasn't, and my husband is very good at that. My husband has always been the type of person to have really good boundaries.
He knows his limits, but he's always continued to do things that make him happy in terms of like, he gets his one hour workout in, he'll do like baseball leagues and he baseball's a big part of his life when he was a kid and I would hear him talk about it and I'm like, I don't have anything like that.
Not anymore. So I definitely put an effort to correcting that.
Michelle: Well, that's incredibly important. I think a lot of people shelve all the things that bring them joy because they feel like, until I get this goal accomplished, I can't afford to enjoy myself. But you almost can't afford to not enjoy yourself if you wanna get that goal, [00:16:00] because I do. Personally feel like it's good for your fertility health to do things that bring you joy, to really connect with your heart. and I remember actually a key thing, well, a couple things You had to mention that you were afraid to exercise 'cause you thought exercising too much would be harmful for fertility
Vanessa - 2: Mm-hmm.
Michelle: Remember mentioning it depends on your body type because sometimes, certain bodies can handle it if it gives you energy.
I was like, does it give you energy? And you said yes. And I'm like, well, then it's not depleting you, you know? and that was something that you also increased or maybe it was a part of tennis. But I remember another thing that I found really profound is that. There was a point in your journey and, I love talking to you because it just shows people like your story, that it's not a perfect journey and even what you were doing, nothing's perfect.
you're kind of figuring things out. It's not like you're hitting all the points and doing everything like exactly. Right. You know, the way, [00:17:00] quote unquote, there's no such thing. So it's a journey of self-discovery. And I think a big part of it is that, and part of it also is your relationship with yourself because there was a point when you were talking about the frustrating points and the points where you're hitting walls, there was a point where you had mentioned something that really struck me.
And you said that there was a moment that you said to your body, you're failing me.
Vanessa - 2: Oh yeah, I
Michelle: That
Vanessa - 2: that a lot.
Michelle: I did. that's what I'm saying, like there were the ups and the downs. 'cause there were moments where like coming back from tennis, I felt like I could fly as like a kid again. It was awesome. I'd get a Popsicle on the way home, like it was great. And then there were those moments where it was just me and myself and it's like. I'm sure if you're listening to this and you've been through, it's like that time of the month comes, you get your period and you feel like you know, my body has failed. What we're trying to do all over again, like, here we go another month, you know, another month wasted. What did we do wrong? What can we do?
Vanessa - 2: Right? [00:18:00] And then you're also feeling bad because, you just got your period and there's that whole hormonal change. So I remember feeling that, Struggling with that personally. 'cause I was just not used to my body failing me in that way. Not to say that I hadn't had other physical challenges, like I was born with atrial flutter, so I would go to my cardiologist like twice a year.
I was medicated. So I was very in tune with my body can do and cannot do, from a very early age. But this was a whole nother rodeo. You know, it wasn't. Cardiac, it was something else where it's like, how are we navigating this? And like, why do I feel like such a failure?
and I'm surewe had ruled out that it wasn't my husband. the contributing factor really seemed to point to me because of the endometriosis is what we all assumed. So, and based on the testing. So I also felt like I was failing him. and he was always very kind about it. He never, ever said anything.[00:19:00]
To that nature. But I know that he would see me struggle and feel like, you know, like, it's okay. It's totally fine. Like, we'll just keep trying. We're gonna keep doing what we're doing. But you feel like your body's feeling not only you, but everyone around you.
Michelle: Yeah, it's a really difficult. Complex state of being, because there's so many aspects to the psychological aspect of how it affects people going through it. Because I think as humans, we always want to assign meaning to events or things that happen, and it's kind of our nature. And sometimes we can go ahead and assign those meanings, and those meanings can sometimes in our mind equate to like, oh, something's wrong.
Something's not right with me. what I found really interesting about your journey is that you actually came around from that and you came around, [00:20:00] I think it was through the meditation, maybe doing things that made you more happy. You came around to a better relationship with your body.
Vanessa - 2: Yes, that definitely improved because I realized that it wasn't so much Like in the fail aspect, it was like, okay, you need something else from me. So the conversation internally with myself became, what do you need from me? What has to be adjusted and not fixed? I don't like to say fixed because there's nothing wrong or broken.
It was
Michelle: I love that.
Vanessa - 2: yeah, I was like, I'm not broken. And there's nothing that necessarily needs to be fixed. We're just not hitting the goal right now. But what's the minor adjustment? It's like when you throw a bot in a basket, it's not broken. You just, okay. The minor adjustment just to make it into that basket.
So when I would meditate or like when I would have that moment alone in the shower and I'm just like by myself and I'm thi, I remember looking up into the ceiling and just thinking, okay, what else do you need from me? [00:21:00] You know, are you happy? Do you feel good? do we feel healthy and kind of ask myself I mean it could be food.
It's like, okay, well you know, we haven't eaten this since I was a kid. Let's just get that tomorrow. Let's have that for lunch tomorrow. Or I remember you had also suggested I get more sun. I realized how little I was doing that. So we would sit outside. And get sun more. And I would take those moments also to be like, okay, well what do we wanna do today?
being a person that plans a lot, someone once taught me this, it's like, you can wake up and plan for everything on the weekend, right? When you get those days to yourself and be like, I have to do this and force it. Or you wake up and ask yourself, what do we wanna do today? And I realized my mom always said this, that sometimes forcing, like you'll know in life when you're forcing something and it's just. It takes so much more energy to do one thing forcefully than if [00:22:00] sometimes you just go with the flow and sometimes that flow doesn't go the way you want it to or at the pace or timing of it. So I had to learn to kind of let go. I'm gonna say let go, 'cause I'm sure you can call it many different things, but kind of go with the flow more and not try to force the agenda because we needed to take a step back.
We, me, myself, and I. And figure out What else is it that you need from me? Is it nutrition based? Is it less stress? Is it, you know, what is it?
Michelle: It's so interesting that you say that. First of all, I think that that is incredibly profound and, insightful of you to look at it that way. And it's actually, you articulated something that I think a lot of people go through. I see it. So much in the women that I've worked with, there are phases and some of the phases in the beginning were fighting, you know, it's all of us, me included, you know, for many different parts of my life it's kind of like insert subject.
Same [00:23:00] relationship though. It doesn't have to be necessarily fertility could be other things, but it's whenever we want something like really, really bad something in our life.
Vanessa - 2: Yes.
Michelle: Whatever that is. And at first we fight it, you know, it's this relationship or kind of like journey that you have with that relationship until you finally, or you're kind of like higher self realizes, ugh, I just can't keep going like
Vanessa - 2: Mm-hmm.
Michelle: exhausting me. And then there is a little bit of this surrender and sometimes in between, kind of like sandwiched in, it could be a little bit of, Apathy, I just don't care anymore. I'm exhaust like I, I'm done. Kind of like that kind of thing. But then it shifts into kind of like, wait, maybe I can re do this.
Like, it could be more of a relationship. And then you start to work with, it's kind of like you're,working in tandem with the circumstance. There's a relationship, and with that relationship there's this connection. So the resistance, you're actually [00:24:00] working against. What is, versus you get to this other estate, and I, I see this, I see this over and over again on so many journeys that I get to witness, is that you get to this place of having that relationship with the circumstance and that circumstance being really connected to a divine something.
And I wanna talk about that. 'cause for you, I was just blown away by some of the signs that you got. From the spirit baby, and that this includes your mom. Your mom felt her. so I wanna talk about all of it. Like first of all, I wanna talk about the steps before that. What do you think got you to, I mean, I know that you've always been intuitive, but what do you think got you to the place where you really started to make that connection?
'cause I feel like it, it almost seemed like there was a point of sort of separation where you were just focusing on like The to-dos, you know, in the beginning and then like, what do I need to do? Which I personally think is not a bad thing. It's actually part of the [00:25:00] process. I feel like that's one, layer that you need or step that you need to go through in order to get to this other part.
So what were the steps? What were the things that actually got you where you think that both your mom and you started to make that connection? Spiritually speaking.
Vanessa - 2: Yeah, that's kind of my favorite part because. My husband always struggled to understand it, but my mom and I were definitely aligned. so the steps before, I think once that intuition was always like it was something I couldn't force. It definitely just came when it came and I always welcomed. It's always happening in an open heart for it.
I think it's something you can't necessarily go looking for, but it will find you. I always thought about it that way. once I started doing more of the things that made me happy, I think it released the reins on the structured part of the to-do I always see the to-do is it's [00:26:00] very structured and then the intuition is more free.
You can't add structure to that. You just kind of let it find you. And once I started doing everything. and gave myself the boundary, the space to have moments to myself and I'll give you an example. When I remember the first time that I felt or had a sign, we would always talk about it. And I remember telling you in the office, I was like, I kind of felt, started feeling like a female presence, right?
No signs or anything like that. I just felt like something very, like bubbly and feminine kind of following me, for lack of a better term. And I remember telling you about it, early on and you're like, okay, that's a good sign. All right, let's know, welcome it. Right? and I always welcomed it, but it was one day I was in my backyard and I remember I was like, okay, I'm gonna go get some, like Michelle told me I was in.
The dog was out with my husband, like in another [00:27:00] corner. I was like in a corner by myself and I was up against the hedge and I was fixing this branch, like I had extended my hands and I was fixing this branch. I was like, out of order, right? It's my type A personality, like one little corner's out of order. And when I felt something in my hand and when I looked down, I was covered in ladybugs. It was something so odd. 'cause normally you'll see like one or two ladybugs, but when I tell you there's about 10 of them. And I looked at my both hands and I'm like, the only way I can describe, it's like I felt surrounded at that moment by this one thing that I kept feeling, which was this feminine energy.
And it's like, of course a ladybug. So like dainty and I love red. I've done dashes of red throughout like our engagement session and our wedding, and it's very much something. His first car was like a red truck, and red was always like, synonymous color in our relationship. And I'm like, of course, like a little lady bug and it's red and my hands were just covered.
and I remember telling him, and I'm like, look at this. And he kinda was like, oh, that's kind of [00:28:00] funny. And, like odd so many of them at a time and I just let it go. But, I love the fact you brought up my mom because I was definitely gonna bring her up. So she, about a month after this dream, she had a dream, right? And she calls me and she's like, not sure how to tell you this, but I'm just gonna tell you, she had a dream where she sees this little girl at like a little coffee table, like short little kid size. And she was in like a little dress, little black hair, kind of like what I look like as a child.
And She was like coloring, totally distracted. And my mom says that she was just like doing her own thing, like looking down, totally distracted. And she's like, I felt like I was looking at your daughter. And I was like, well, can you tell her to hurry up and pay attention? Because being distracted like that totally sounds like her dad.
Like we're all waiting for her. Right. I told her like as jokingly, tell her to pay attention. You know, we're all waiting for her. What is she doing? But it was like. you know, I responded to her jokingly, but in my [00:29:00] mind I was like, she's not ready. The fact that she's not even looking at her, she's literally doing her own thing.
Yeah. I was like, she's there, but she's not ready. that's how I interpret it. 'cause my mom was like, I really don't know what to make of it. You're kind of better at this than me. and things like that don't normally happen to my mom. They will once in a while, but I'm more intuitive like that than her and I, took it as she wasn't ready.
which led me to the next thing, and I remember this was after the meditation.
Michelle: Well, you reached out to me actually. Before you move on. you actually sent me a message in the portal and said, my mom had a question for you. something about do grandparents get signs from the spirit? Baby, do you remember that?
Vanessa - 1: Yes, she sent me with homework. She's like, next time you go see Michelle, please ask her. Because it was so vivid for her. and we talked about it. And I remember you telling me about your daughter, the dream you had with, your daughter, which she mentioned in your book as well.
And,[00:30:00] she felt great when I told her that. She was like, oh, okay, perfect. She came to me, she was like, she came to me
Michelle: Yeah.
Vanessa - 1: and I was like, she's been around
Michelle: Oh, it's amazing.
Vanessa - 1: I, I was like, she's been around this whole time. and it was interesting 'cause I always felt like, like I said, it was like a very feminine energy and. Like what I was gonna say, that, the meditation opened the gateway to that. But there was one very last thing. It was after that dream. I think the dream was really what triggered it for me. I remember I was in the shower usually my little time to myself was either by the window in the front of my house where the sunlight comes in.
Or in the shower at the end of the day. And I would sit there and it was a low point. It was not on the higher points of the journey, but I remember being like, wow, you know, my mom saw her and I can feel her presence. But it's like something that you feel like Augusta wind, but you can't see and you can't grasp.
And I remember just looking up at the ceiling and just being, like talking to her and saying, what do you need from me? [00:31:00] Like, what do you need from me? To come to this earth, like to come to me, like, what do I have to do? the only word I can best use to describe it is that final surrender. Like I was the type of person that really needed to have control over things.
I still kind of am, but it was the last thing where I was like, I don't have control over this. And it was the last surrender, I think in the journey where This is on your time. Like, what do you need me to do? What is gonna make you want to join us here? Like, I know you're here, but, but down here physically on this earth, what do you need from me?
And I remember that was like the last surrender, like the last thing where I was like, okay, whatever. You know, what do you need from me? And. I take it. Looking back now, it was, I think for me, knowing my inner most self, it was a lesson I had to learn because since she's gotten here, [00:32:00] I definitely learned that you need to surrender.
I'm just kidding. Like, I don't have control over this. This is what we're going with it. Right? She's controlling the narrative and it was kind of a lesson I had to learn. I was like, she was definitely teaching me a lesson. For, it was kind of the beginning of like, you're gonna need this in motherhood.
And it was that last little shred that I was holding onto. and it was definitely like a very, I tell my husband that, I think it's so personal, it yourself that, For me, that was, I think, the last bit, the lesson I had to learn, like everything I had applied, everything that you and I had talked about, we had been working together for months at that point.
I had even told myself, 'cause I was at a low point here and I said, I looked at my friend, the one I mentioned in the beginning. I said, you know what, if we're not pregnant by the next month, let's just go to Mexico. Like that's what we're gonna do. We're just gonna go to Mexico and we're gonna have margaritas and we're gonna have tacos.
Michelle: And drink margaritas.
Vanessa - 1: And we booked the [00:33:00] trip. We did, we did book the trip with the
Michelle: I remember.
Vanessa - 1: Like that's it. You know, if this month I'm not pregnant, next month we're gonna Mexico, and we did it. So, I mean, this spirit baby had a totally different plan and she controlled the narrative.
Michelle: As usual. and I remember one other thing. One time you slept on the couch. I dunno if it was, sometimes you'll take naps with the dog or you fall asleep at night on the couch. I remember, Do you know what I'm gonna be talking about right now?
Vanessa - 1: a little bit, but you might remember better than me right now.
Michelle: Okay, so you slept on the couch and it was towards the end of this journey. It was when you started to get more communication with a baby and you always felt female energy. You fell asleep. You were like in this twilight state in between wake and sleep, and you heard like right in your ear, mommy, and it was a girl's
Vanessa - 1: [00:34:00] yes. Wow. You just gave me goosebumps. You're so right. I kind of forgot about that. Wow. I always say right now my brain is at 75% best,
Michelle: Which is normal.
Vanessa - 1: you're so right.
Michelle: You're a new mom.
Vanessa - 1: I was falling asleep. I was on the couch. 'cause sometimes, like we don't agree on temperature and our bed was really small. Our house was really small.
So I went ahead and I went with the dog to the living room and we had way more space. So I was cuddling with the dog. I was in and out. I was starting to fall asleep and clear as day, like you said, I heard a little, like a little girl's female voice say, mommy. Yeah, very. I would say that happened about three months before.
It was right before I had that surrender moment. Yeah. Where I was like, okay, you're here, but like, what? What do you want and need from me?
Michelle: It's amazing. Just incredible. But it is that surrender. It's so interesting how. Surrender because the whole [00:35:00] idea of really control and why we choose to control things is because we feel a lack of control. We feel a lack of strength or a lack of power. it's perspective, and perception.
that we have a lack of power. We actually have more power. We don't realize we have, but I believe personally, if you, in order to access that power, you have to surrender.
Vanessa - 1: Yes.
Michelle: When you surrender, it's kind of like an oxymoron. You think that it's going to make you powerless, but in fact it's gonna do the exact opposite.
That's where you find your power, because then you realize that there's this greater power outside of us, that it's not just up to us. And that's when you tune into
Vanessa - 1: Mm-hmm.
Michelle: And access it, you're able to access it through the portal of surrender. I wanna actually, I just kind of thought about now it's like a portal, surrenders a portal to that power.
And I think that when you realize that, that's when you feel actually [00:36:00] more empowered than you thought you would, you know, before that. And I remember you got on the call, so we did, our group calls and you got on the call. That was when, you had mentioned you were really excited because I think there was one call before and then I don't know if it was the first one that we were on, but then you, came on and then you said that your cyst shrunk.
Vanessa - 1: Yes, our first
Michelle: And then I had another person on the call who she also had a similar circumstance, so she was just amazed by her story. And I think that. That was one of the reasons why it was so powerful. And then little did you know, you were pregnant and then I remember you were really touched by my daughter's story.
Vanessa - 1: Yes. I, when I read your
Michelle: it in the book.
Vanessa - 1: I started crying. I was sitting in the living room by myself and I started crying because my mom had had that dream. And I was like, wow, okay. this [00:37:00] is very powerful. And that call. It was really funny that first call that we had, I had just gotten the test results that the SIS had gotten smaller like a day or two before.
So that week moved, very fast. I got those test results. We had the call. I was like, guys, look, we have good news. It sis got smaller. You know, everything's paying off. This is great. And I had gone in to do that ultrasound. for those test results. So we did a full ultrasound, we did a transvaginal ultrasound.
We didn't do a, a pelvic one, but usually they would use that other one to take a better look at the cyst. So I remember telling the tech, I turned to her and I didn't fully think through my humor, but I was like, is there anything else there? And she says, no. Should there be? And I'm like. No, we're trying to get pregnant, so you know, if you saw anything else you can tell me.
And she's like, no, I don't see anything else. I'm like, okay, that's fine. And I didn't make much else of it. [00:38:00] Sat with my doctor, looked through it, you know, was told this has got smaller. So I went home feeling happy, shared it with you guys about a day or two later that Friday, I was home alone. My husband was on his last night shift, I believe.
And. I had no symptoms. It was just something that I was like brushing my teeth by myself. It was just me and the dog and I look in the mirror and at that point I know most of you listening, trying probably have you just stack up on pregnancy tests. At this point. I had an unopened box and I went into the linen cabinet and grabbed them and I was like, I'm just gonna take a pregnancy test.
No symptoms or anything. I wasn't even late 'cause technically would've been like four more days to technically be late, and I kept brushing my teeth. I remember I looked down, I wasn't even recording on my phone or anything. I looked down and it was bright, like solid [00:39:00] lines, and I was like, okay.
I didn't expect, I was like, one more. Let's just try one more. Let's go for the clear blue, right? Because it was the little paper strip ones. I'm like, let's go for the clear blue. And it was positive and I was like, lemme try one more. And then positive and like, this is at night. So I was like, okay. But then I can't tell anybody.
I was like, he's not home yet. I'll wait till the morning. And in the morning I woke up, I took another test just to make sure. So it was like a, for sure, you know, the lines were there. But I had just been to the doctor and I had just talked to you guys and the doctor hadn't seen anything on the ultrasound, but it was too soon.
She was too little. So I had to confirm it with a blood test after that, because again, I was going to Mexico the next week. Yeah. So this spirit baby said, well, we're all going to Mexico.
Michelle: Yeah, I'm coming with
you.
Vanessa - 1: we're all going.
Michelle: You bring me too. And then what's really crazy is. You popped into my mind. This happens a lot. I guess I don't technically call myself intuitive, but over time I've become, you [00:40:00] popped into my mind. I don't know why I was like, so when's the next gonna get pregnant?
It was just like, kind of like it was a feeling that I had around this time, and sometimes I'll almost find myself getting impatient sometimes when I get impatient with the people I'm working with, they get pregnant. it's almost like this kind of I feel like it's time.
I'm like, it's time for her
Vanessa - 1: Well, do you remember the session we had before the group call, like our in-person acupuncture session? Do you remember what I asked you?
Michelle: No,
Vanessa - 1: I remember I was kind of on a low and I came in. At the end, I was like, Michelle, what do you think? Do you think I should just like get pricing for IUI and IVF and see what like the next, like do we keep going this way?
Do we up it to, you know, do IUI and IVF, which I had already talked to the doctors about, and I remember you were like conflicting. You were like, let's keep going a little further. Right? And my OB had told me, you haven't been trying for that long. Just keep going, you know? make the appointment with the [00:41:00] fertility doctor.
For, I think she said like six months from now and keep going. And then I talked to you and you were like, I think, you know, keep going. And you had did something in that session that was so, I don't know if you even remember, but I remember, I went to lay down on the table and there was one of your art pieces behind me and there was light coming in through the window.
Do you remember? And there were these little dots, like a layered light dots. Reflecting on your art, and you said, can I get your phone and take the photo? And I forget what it was that you said. You're like, this is very like, it sometimes it's very symbolic or something. And you took my phone.
You took the photo. I still have it. And I remembered that and I was
Michelle: Maybe we're gonna use, let's use that photo for this. Maybe that's what we should use
Vanessa - 1: send it to you. And I
Michelle: It'll only make sense for people if they are listening to this.
Vanessa - 1: Yes. And it was something like, it was a part of the art that it was like near the hands. I'll send it to you. But yeah, it was like layered dots. And I remember [00:42:00] that was in the beginning of the session, end of the session. I asked you that and you were like, I feel like we're doing well. I feel like let's keep going.
Let's stay positive. but let's get the pricing anyways. Right? So I had asked for all that pricing. Fast forward to the following week when we had the group call. So I got the pricing back for IUI and IVF Thursday during the day I tested positive Friday night. and I had just told my
Michelle: happens a lot.
Vanessa - 1: yeah, I had just told my husband like, so this is what we're looking at, you know, let's start.
Financially planning on what we wanna do and when we wanna try this, if we do. And then Friday, it's like he probably didn't even get a chance to process the thought. He, I remember when I told him, he was like, are you, are you joking right now? Like you just got an ultrasound? They didn't see anything. We just got pricing.
I remember him saying like, the positive tests were on the table. He's like, are you sure? Like, what am I looking at? And I'm like, oh, I'm pregnant. He's like, are you sure? Because we were so mentally like. Just trying to run the [00:43:00] marathon of like, we're gonna keep going. Right? This is gonna take a while longer, but she decided otherwise,
Michelle: Yeah, it's what happens. And so what's crazy is that I kind of had a sense that I was going to hear from you soon. It just was a feeling. It was also like the things that you were saying, the signs, I'm like, ah, I just feel like she's right around the corner. It felt like that. And then you had sent me a message. On the portal and you said, oh, I think I'm with, you know, your friend and you were with your friend. I don't wanna say the name. And so, can you call us? and I was with my daughter, the girl, you know, the daughter that was in the book, the story that made you cry crazy enough. Nothing's an accident.
Everything kind of works out how it's supposed to. And, and I get, I call. I call and it's funny 'cause my daughter hates when I call on the phone, 'cause she likes to listen to her music and it's disruptive, but. She was very engaged in this conversation, and that was when you told me, and I knew [00:44:00] that that's what you were gonna tell me.
And it was just random. I mean, not random, but, amazingly she was with me on the call and she, in some way you really connected with her through the story. So it's just so wild how like there's so much intelligence at play and it's like, you know, people's different stories interweave and connect.
People, and this is why I find the podcasting so powerful. 'cause you get stories and there's people listening right now that are meant to hear this story right at this moment. Just like you were meant to hear or to read. Story right when you did and it just, everything happens and unfolds. Especially, I feel like it happens more synchronicity happens more when you surrender, when you get into the portal of surrender and it was just pretty wild, but it was magical.
I like it was absolutely magical.
Vanessa - 1: And I always say it just felt like surrendering because I would say the month before. In full [00:45:00] transparency, I was kind of losing it, you know, I felt like I was losing myself, but I, it was losing the structure that I wanted to have. So I remember, like you said, I started going back I was doing tennis and I was going to the gym in the morning, which I love to do.
I love my gym and I love the friends I go with. And, we had, there's this one instructor, the gym owner, he is really like, he comes by, he's like, come on. Like, let's, you know, push harder. And I was like. Please don't yell at me today. I'm gonna cry because, I was so tapped out. I felt like the load I was carrying was so much.
And he came like, yeah, okay. And he is like, let's go, like, pick up heavier. And I just started crying. Michelle lost it at the gym. I was like, of all the places. And he looks at me and he's like, this, ex MMA fighter. He looks at me, he's like, what's going on? And I was like, I'm trying to get pregnant and nothing's working.
and he's like. you're a mentally strong girl. Like, but look what's happening. You know, you gotta let it go. And he said, you gotta get, you know, you gotta give it to God. you gotta let it go. You gotta let it go [00:46:00] and be here for yourself and try to be happy while you're here.
And it's hard. He is like, I know it's hard. There's a lot of girls in this gym that have also gone through it, and then you see them come with the stroller, like at the 6:00 AM class. I broke down at the gym. I had my regular cardiologist appointment, which mind you, this cardiologist has seen me since my mom was six months pregnant with me and I just turned 35.
I went with to him the day before yesterday actually, with the baby. So. He's like an uncle at this point. And I go for my regular checkup and I break down there too. And he's like, what's going on? You know, why are you breaking down crying? And I remember he said, have your husband call me, right? I was like, I just don't know what the next step is.
Like I don't know what to do. And he has two girls of his own. And I remember he's like, you know, he's like, I've seen all sorts of babies. 'cause he's pediatric, but he still has me as a patient. He's great. And he talked to me like a dad. Right. And there was another place I also broke down.
I didn't break down at [00:47:00] tennis, but I, there was another place also. I was just like that last month I was so emotional and I felt like, then came that moment in the shower, I was like, I need to just like the surrender moment. 'cause I think I was crying because I was holding on to so much. was so much, and I think her lesson to me was like, you don't need to hold onto that.
You just, you gotta let it go.
Michelle: And it's almost like you had a cleanse.
Vanessa - 1: Yeah.
Michelle: Like a strong release. And it's like shortly after that release where you like acknowledge how you felt and you really, like you faced it, that's when the transformation happened.
Vanessa - 1: Yeah. That last month. On a week by week basis was really intense because I can tell you the week alone where like I talked to you guys, I saw the doctor, then I tested positive, and it was like every week was a lot. it was very emotionally heavy, but it was great and wonderful and it needed to happen the way it needed to happen.[00:48:00]
When I look back at it
Michelle: And now,
Vanessa - 1: well,
Michelle: now, you have your girl.
Vanessa - 1: yes, so again, She is something else. my pregnancy was, again, you know, it was a lesson learned. 'cause my pregnancy, she was great. I struggled a little bit more, so we were monitoring me for preeclampsia pretty early on. And we had a team of doctors, so I had my doctor, I had two card.
I had, the maternal fetal specialist on board as well. We were all monitoring week by week. I actually went to the OBER two times, if not three, if I remember, during the pregnancy for high blood pressure. So it wasn't easy, but that's surrendering taught me. It's like we're just gonna go with it.
And I would go to my appointment on Friday and be like, we might be having a baby today. We might not. So.
Michelle: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa - 1: It helped me a lot with the pregnancy and then she decided, well, she didn't, but the team decided to either induce or have a C-section at 37 weeks, so I ended up having her via a [00:49:00] C-section 37 weeks and a day because I couldn't decide what I wanted to do.
I didn't know if I wanted to be induced or have a C-section, but based on all of my health markers, we decided C-section was safer and. It was great. The recovery went really well. She did really well and I remember the moment I saw her, it was like, that's a little face that's, you know, I've been carrying this whole time.
But it also felt like I've known you since forever.
Michelle: Wow, that's amazing.
Vanessa - 1: and I remember looking at my husband and I was like, I will pick her over you every single time in every lifetime. Like, I like that mother bear. It was like, instinctually just happened and I was in, still in the operating room, and it just instinctually.
I was like, she's mine. That's mine.
Michelle: That's so cute. and, you sent me pictures of her and I thought it was so cute. So cute. And then there was one that was so funny 'cause because you always had a little spice You always told I never [00:50:00] fully saw that, but I know what you mean. Like, it's like that strong spirited personality.
You're like, you always told me that you felt that way and that you had that spice. There was a picture of her and you're like, she has that and there's this look she was giving. And I was like, this is perfect.
Vanessa - 1: Yeah, and it's funny 'cause that picture was actually, there was a longer video where it wasn't just an instant, like she was looking at us like, the customer service here sucks. Like that was her little personality. Like the milk is taking forever. Like that is heating up the milk. The customer service here, you know.
she is definitely the best of both of us. She's really smiley like him, and then she has that spice from me and everything comes around in life. I definitely look at my mom and I'm like, wow, how did you survive such a spicy child? And now
Michelle: Yes.
Vanessa - 1: my mom's like, yeah, that definitely, like, we're angry, crying now.
So she definitely gets a bit of that. From me. 'cause he's not like [00:51:00] that. And she really has taught me that surrendering lesson was I am still learning. I'm still learning. When I think I got it together, everything's planned. And she's like, yeah, you think we're gonna go to the park outfit change.
Michelle: totally. it's a lifelong process. It's a lifelong practice. I mean, it really is. So, wow. This is, your story is incredible and, and not just your story, but also your. Perspective and how you can kind of go back and look at it in such a poetic way because, you know, people can look at things, there's circumstances happen and everybody can perceive it differently.
And some people look at it as more layered and in depth and having meaning. and I love the way you tell stories. I really think that it's incredibly inspiring.
Vanessa - 1: thank
Michelle: thank you so much for opening up and sharing your incredible story. I'm sure there's so many people listening to this that may actually have this episode on repeat, for [00:52:00] literally like moments where they feel down just to get some hope.
So thank you for providing that for the community.
Vanessa - 1: Thank you. I've definitely been there. The other episodes helped me significantly, so I just, you know, I've been there. I understand. It's a long journey, but it's definitely worth it.
Michelle: Thank you.
[00:53:00]